"THE HAMSTER WON'T DIE"

I have a vivid memory of watching Saturday morning cartoons as a six year old.  On this particular morning, I sat amongst a few children, all of whom laughed wildly as the escapades unfolded on screen.  I sat there, silent.  Not a peep.

Now don't get me wrong...I find LOTS of things funny, very funny: I am an avid SNL fan, could watch The Hangover on repeat, and semi-worship Judd Apatow.  I am also a huge believer in the power of laughter. I am still, however, acutely aware after all these years, that it is rare that something makes me actually laugh out loud.  

Cue Whitney Collins.  Her recently published adult-eyes-only collection "The Hamster Won't Die" is my kryptonite.  For Whitney (creator and editor of two humor websites: Errant Parent and The Yellow Ham) humor has always been her forte.  We reconnected post-college thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, and her status updates alone are reason enough to log on.  And it seems the words of the late, great Nora Ephron, "Everything is copy", applies directly to Whitney's life.  

But with Whitney's writing, not only is just about everything copy, it's all funny.   Her humor has appeared on The Huffington Post, McSweeney's Internet Tendency and others, and The Hamster Won't Die is a collection of her essays, poems and musings.  Here is a brief excerpt from her essay "It's Like...." regarding what she wishes she was told pre-parenthood:

"For example, I would have appreciated knowing that administering oral medication to an infant was about as easy as inserting a rectal suppository into a hummingbird.  I would have also like to have known that bathing a baby was like trying to wrestle a greased eggplant from Lake Superior.  And in lieu of a sterling rattle, I would have much preferred the gift of blatant honesty.  Why didn't someone tell me that diapering a baby boy was the equivalent of folding an origami crane while someone urinated in my mouth?" 

And of course, when given the chance, there were a few things I just had to ask...

Q: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU DISCOVERED THE POWER OF WRITING?
A: In first grade, everyday, my teacher Mrs. Meekins, gave us blank paper at the top for illustrations, lined at the bottom for text, and encouraged us to write stories.  I loved this.  It was all I ever wanted to do.  I still have that year's worth of illustrated stories.  One of them was my first attempt at humor.  It was a commercial for a decongestant nose spray, interspersed with some news stories about hostages.  It was pretty twisted. But funny.  Thanks to that, I knew I wanted to make people laugh early on.  (Who knows if I am succeeding, but I'm at least cracking myself up.  I have pretty low standards when it comes to comedians.)

Q: HAS HUMOR ALWAYS BEEN YOUR VANTAGE POINT? IF SO, WOULD YOU EVER EXPLORE ANOTHER?
A: There was a time in college, when I was majoring in Fiction, where I tried to write really deep, overly wordy, ambiguous short stories.  The humor, however dark, kept peeking through.  I really tried to suppress it.  I thought it was a sign of weakness.  Even through a brief stint in an MFA program, that I eventually dropped out of, I thought humor was cheap or unintelligent.  Finally, I just came out of the comedic closet and said: I don't really want to write about depressed a-holes.  I want to make some poop jokes.

Q: HAS PARENTHOOD CHANGED YOUR WRITING?
A: Parenthood has changed everything.  It's what has brought me back to full-on humor.  Before my first son was born, I was dabbling in humor writing, but had not fully embraced it as my calling, so to speak.  Then my son got colic, and for six months, my life consisted of listening to my child inconsolably scream.  In a scenario like that, you either start finding humor or you start finding heroin.

Q: CAN YOU SHARE A BIT OF YOUR WRITING "ROUTINE" AND HOW YOU CARVE OUT THE TIME?
A: My routine.  Well, as most people know, I love Facebook, and more recently, Twitter (@theunpoet).  These two outlets give me a forum for quick one-liners and observations.  So, it's kind of like writing throughout the day.  Sometimes a tweet or status update will later lead to an essay or poem or humor piece.  But my true routine happens on Monday, Wednesday, Friday.  That's when my almost-2-year old goes to a Kid's Day Out Program from 9-2.  I only write then.  I don't run errands or do laundry or clean or catch up on correspondence.  I try to force myself to write from 9:30-1:30, three times a week.

Q:WHAT WAS THE PROCESS LIKE TO SELF PUBLISH?
A: Self publishing is awesome.  It used to be expensive, now it's $75.  They only print your book when someone orders it, instead of you getting stuck with 1,000 copies in your garage.  I chose Lulu.com for self publishing.  My book can be bought through Barnes and Noble or Amazon.  Having supportive friends and family has been crucial.  But honestly, I really haven't published to make some big debut.  I was just turning 40, had a bunch of comedic crap compiled, and truly thought the world was ending on Dec. 21.  That motivated me.  The thought of the entire world in flames and everyone around me screaming helped me throw a little prose together.

Q: WHO ARE YOUR ICONS?
A: Oh, those dear people I worship.  Let's see: Tina Fey, David Sedaris, Amy Sedaris, Lena Dunham, Dave Barry, Erma Bombeck, Flannery O'Connor, Kate McKinnon, Kristen Wiig, Louis CK, David Spade.  These are funny, brave people for whom looking foolish is not an issue.  The joke, even the darkest and dorkiest joke, always comes first for them.  I love people who don't worry about what others think.  They just worry about delivery. Beyond the super-famous people I admire, I really love and am inspired by my funny kids and husband and Facebook friends, particularly Mary Laura Philpott, JD DuPuy, Cary Howard, Dan Burt, Monique Alice, Sissy Gardner, Cindy Gold, Amy Rodriguez and Meredith Bland.  Those folks are really hilarious.  Their banter is a daily delight.  

"TUCK-IN"

The bedtime "tuck-in" is a ritual I covet.  There is nothing better than the bath, book, bed routine for a younger child.  There's often a science-like precision: teddy bears or blankets in place, door open a crack, hall light on.  And the lullabies - the same songs my mom sang to me.  The thought of our children "nestled all snug in their beds" is dreamy.

But as the parenting cliche so truly states, the days may be long but the years are short.  Soon the baby is a toddler and the toddler is tween.  Now while I read the baby Goodnight Moon, the oldest is reading her own book in bed for Lit Circle.  So where does that leave tuck-in? And why does bedtime seem to keep getting later and later for the older ones?

After a family-dinner last night (yay!) we asked how come they were fast asleep for the sitter the night before? What was the secret? "She sings to us and stays there longer".  Wow.  We asked, they answered.  Now I am a huge proponent of self-soothing and resilience, but I realized the tide may have swung a bit too far.  A goodnight kiss and a thirty second song followed by the dreaded "did you study your spelling words" from the door does not exactly make for a smooth transition to "la-la land".  And last night's success was proof of the power of an extra minute or two.

Yes, as kids grow up nurturing must share space with independence and grit - but it doesn't have to be three's a crowd - there's room for all!

PS - Chapter books and read-alouds for the older crowd

"GREENER NO MORE"

A catch-up phone call with a dear friend this past weekend led to a "grass is always greener" discussion.

Aesop told it best in his City Mouse and Country Mouse fable, and although we know the notion is unfounded, it can still rear it's head from time to time.

I love this list of 12 Things Happy People Do Differently which was recently posted on Habitually Chic.  A quick glance from time to time can work wonders, as can that superpower we all have: an attitude of gratitude.

"FOOD CRUSH: THE PIG AND THE FIG"

As I embark on the New Year steadfast in my resolution to cook with abandon, I mentioned there are three things it will take to right the ship in our house - determination, preparation,
and inspiration.

And while the first two are integral to make sure that loads of home cooking becomes a reality - without inspiration, it's drudgery.

To get those creative juices flowing, look no further than The Pig and The Fig, created by Michelle DeHaven.  Her blog is sleek, health-centric, and peppered with a dash of daring.  The mouth-watering photographs showcase her latest dish - and her laid-back style and prose make it look doable, and better yet fun!  Lucky locals, her newest feature is customized cooking classes in your home.

I got a chance to ask Michelle a few questions and here's some insider scoop from this fab food-guru:

Q: HOW AND WHEN DID COOKING BECOME A PASSION?
MICHELLE: I started cooking at about age 7 at the hip of my grandmother (we lived in the same house) and it grew from there.  My Dad was a kind of pioneer "foodie" who was somewhat obsessed with food from other cultures.  His (pre-hipster) idea of a good time was to travel to markets and food trucks and taste everything.  I grew up in a house where we had a smoker in the backyard, a huge vegetable garden and ducks draining in the sink.

Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN PLANNING AND PREP? IF SO, WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR KEEPING UP WITH SO MANY HOME COOKED MEALS?
MICHELLE: I'm all about planning but not without room to change your mind.  I always have a well-stocked pantry which means a great meal is never really more than 30 minutes away.  I keep up with the pantry items and shop for perishable ingredients like fruits, vegetables, proteins and bread during the week.  This way it is WAY easier to quickly hop into a store, pick up a few things and go.  It also helps that my kitchen is set up for business.  You know that "mise en place" thing chefs always go on about on cooking shows? It works.  Having everything logically within reach makes the whole process from prep to clean up way more manageable.  Set up your "work station": have a variety of bowl sizes nearby, your spices organized within reach of your prep area, some kosher salt in a small bowl along with a pepper mill and olive oil on your counter near your stove top.  This way, you contain the mess to one area and you are not running around the kitchen when you could be busy cooking.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR BEST "GO TO" MEAL IF YOU NEED TO WING IT?
MICHELLE: I always have a huge chunk of parmesan, some bacon or pancetta, eggs, olive oil and pasta on hand.  Always. (Linguine this way or that).

Q: WHAT ARE YOUR TOP 5 KITCHEN TOOLS?
MICHELLE: A sharp 8" knife, a cast iron pan, a large good quality cutting board, a great blender and a food processor - with these you can do just about anything in the kitchen.  Having said that, the last two are optional but will make your life a whole lot easier and delicious.  Most importantly, make sure you ONLY cook the freshest and best quality products, never anything too processed.

Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL TO COOK?
MICHELLE: That's a hard one but if I HAVE to answer, I would say roast chicken.  I love the way the house smells like all is right in the world.  It's easy for me to throw a couple of chickens in the oven and putter around the house taking care of other things while knowing the most delicious dinner (and leftovers) await.

Q: ANY TIPS FOR COOKING FOR A FAMILY?
MICHELLE: Keep your pantry well stocked would be my number one tip.  Make recipes that can be easily adapted to satisfy a variety of palates (with the quick addition of some spice or something pickled, etc.) AND always roast two chickens at a time so that you have great leftovers for soup, sandwiches, tacos, etc.

"THAT'S A FACT"

At some point the lights turn on and it's time to clean up the party...ornaments, nutcrackers, lights and the like are (almost) tucked away until next year.  

And as the dust settles hopefully some wonderful new memories shine bright, as well as some standouts in the gift department.

My favorite gift to give this year was a throwback to one of my beloved childhood books - sadly long out of print.  But thanks to TIME For Kids, The Big Book of Why was a fine replacement.  And TFK publishes a whole slew of other kids books I am eyeing for next time...